Angie

I have always been a huge believer in God, growing up I went to church all the time with my grandparents. And yes I was that girl with the long skirts down to her ankle the long hair down her back with a little unibrow but I was proud of it up until being in high school.As a church girl In high school it had to be the hardest things because as a young girl you want to fit in but you also believe in the word of God and what you were brought up to believe in. So it was always an inner struggle to find the right people who wouldn’t make fun of you and would accept you for who you really are. Up until about sophomore year in high school when my grandfather passed is when I left church I definitely became a rebellious teen for a few years after that wanting to fit in with all the “cool” kids and feel apart of something. After high school at 18yrs old I was working in a club as a shot girl but also worked a 9-5 and went to school. But the weekend job and people I was around definitely was leading me down a bad path of drinking and partying. But then a little after working in the club I was blessed with a baby with my boyfriend at the time in which we had been dating for a few years. I was beyond excited, scared, and nervous because I was so young but my heart was filled with so much joy and love, but I thanked God so much for the blessing. I remember my appointment where I was suppose to find out if it was a boy or girl, I got a phone call late that night saying I needed to go in the next morning To get more testing done because they thought they had seen something abnormal but reassured me it could of just been the imaging. The next day i spent an entire day at the hospital doing ultrasounds, blood work, and other testing. I found out my little one had hydrocephalus (meaning extra fluid on the brain, which does not allow the brain to grow and function properly) so the doctors told me, that my baby will not make it to birth and if she did she would pass shortly after. As a young first time mom I was devastated, hurt, and I resorted back to the one thing I knew God, but during this time I kept questioning God “why me? Why did I have to go through this, is it because I don’t go to church anymore?” I begged him to enter my life again and to reassure me that the decisions I make from here on forward are the best ones I could make not only for me but for this precious baby I was going to receive. I chose to continue on with my pregnancy even when all the doctors, specialist, friends, boyfriend, and even some family at the time told me I shouldn’t because “what quality of life was she going to have?, you’re so young how will you manage? You have so much ahead of you and it wasn’t right to bring a baby into this world.” My grandmother was always my number one support when it came to anything in my life and when I told her she told me “have faith Angie because God will not give you anything you could not handle, because he knows he’s choosing the right soldier to fight this battle.” From there on out I prayed I started to gain my faith back and I thanked God every day for choosing me and allowing me to be a mother. When she was born she stayed 6 weeks in the NICU where they took amazing care of her and I was able to take her home early because of how great I i was with her care. When Analyah came home it was always a constant worry; she had seizures, fed with a g-tube, she needed 24/7 care but I took on the challenge proudly and with so much love. Most days were amazing filled with lots of smiles, laughters and cuddles! We were in a routine and I started nursing school because she was my motivation, if I could take such great care of her I can do the same for others. But there were a lot of days where I cried myself to sleep after putting her to bed because I felt hopeless, alone, drained and felt like I didn’t have the support I needed because I pretty much did it alone. All the long nights starring at her making sure she’s breathing, and the long hospital stays when she got sick and the routine doctors appointments multiple times a week. But every night I prayed, every night I asked God to give me the strength because I knew I was chosen for this life and I was going to give my all to making sure she lived it to the fullest potential she could. All while going to nursing school and working to provide a roof over our heads but I did it. At 3 years old just 1 year before I graduated nursing school, I had stayed up all night with Analyah who was sick throwing up and tried to study while making her feel as comfortable and happy As I could. The next morning I went to my test while the nurse stayed at home with her, when I got back I was exhausted and Analyah was so happy to see me we cuddled and I laid her down for a nap. we both fell asleep and when I woke up to check on her she had already passed in her sleep. March 30, 2013 will be a day I never forget. It was the day I lost the most precious thing to me, my best friend, my first real love! I was so mad at God because that little girl was my life and I just couldn’t understand why he would do that to me, because I gracefully accepted being a mother to her and treated her no different I gave up my old life and created this beautiful one with her. For a long time My heart was filled with so much rage so much hate, so much sadness that I started not to care about anything. Me and Analyahs father decided to call it quits because our relationship was always rocky, and after she passed I felt like it was my time to focus on me but again I resorted to going out and drinking. I lost myself, I didn’t recognize who I was anymore, the loving, sweet girl full of life that always cared all of a sudden cared about no one not even herself. During this time which was shortly after she passed I was failing nursing school and also during that time I met Connor ( my fiancé now), who helped me kinda get back on my feet and believed in me. We started dating and I went back to nursing school fought my way all the way down to graduation and landed a job in maternity. After a year I applied to the NICU where it all started for me, where my world turned upside down but also began. When things started falling into place for me again I started finally accepting the things God put and took out of my life. Because at this point in my life even though I failed to realize most of it throughout the way; God has truly blessed me and I can’t thank him enough for the 3 years I did get to spend with Analyah, and for the beautiful healthy daughter I have now, for the man who loves me dearly and for being an amazing NICU nurse that I am today. Living in our dream house that I could only have dreamed of to raise my new family in. Although I am not active in church one thing I never let go is my faith because I believe that no matter what every one of us has our own relationship with God and that’s what matters. One thing I’ve learned throughout all of the years is to always trust Gods timing and his doings because he has a purpose for us all and I’m happy I’m finally starting to realize that this is the life I’m suppose to live and love.