When I first started my journey I never in a lifetime thought I had a story worth writing or sharing. I’ve been told a lot that I’m a strong person but emotionally I always felt weak. It wasn’t until I really started having faith that things do have a brighter side. I first started really going to church back in 2018 maybe even before that and I was invited by the very person who created this page and it was actually for her birthday and I can’t thank her enough for inviting me that day. Little did she know I was going through some issues of my own and didn’t know where to turn I was feeling lost and depression was hitting me pretty bad I felt like I was drowning in my own life. I had times where I questioned if I was even good enough to be a mother to my kids. I started going to church every Sunday from that day on and as my hunger started to grow I started going more and attending more outings and church activities. Until my hunger started to feel like it was being fulfilled and it was like I wanted to understand more and like what I knew just wasn’t enough. I had a hunger for God that I needed to feed. Literally like I just needed him and his presence. I decided to look around for another church and see if I could satisfy that hunger and I again thank god I was able to find the church I found. Throughout that time I started to realize I was looking for god more and more my life was literally falling apart at the same time. I faced some of the most hard times, I left a relationship I was in for almost 13 years, I had to leave my job because I couldn’t afford daycare, me and my kids were sleeping on couches and I truly thought it wasn’t ever going to get better I felt like a failure everything I had worked for was gone in the blink of an eye and I couldn’t do anything it was literally one of those moments where I truly had to Leave it in Gods Hands! I decided to attend bible studies and really commit myself to god because I just felt it was what I needed to do for myself. I was beginning to feel like I was truly going crazy in life I had to sit back for a second and reanalyze what I truly wanted for myself for my own happiness for my own well being. We tend to get caught up in life and not realize we do need to take a break it begins to take a toll on you as a person and sometimes out thoughts and feelings begin to fight with each other. I realized the only way I was able to get rid of those thoughts and emotions was to let go and give it to God. That for me was the only way I felt any kind of peace and tranquility, that for me was my escape it was my only way out. In January of 2020 I made a promise to god that I would let him lead my life from there forward and as much as I may sin I try my hardest everyday to be live up to everything I do wrong im not perfect I mean really who is?! I just knew what I was living wasn’t life and I didn’t want to keep living in that’s same situation for the rest of my life. Since I’ve made my commitment to god I’ve faced so much of what I was scared to face I had to learn that I AM WORTH IT. I’ve been shown miracles are possible with God anything is possible you have to have faith. I loved someone at one point in life more than I loved my own myself and when I gave myself to god I realized if I could love anyone or if I had to love anyone he needed to be the person I loved, he needed everything from that I was giving to everyone else and that I wasn’t giving myself. I had to be honest with myself and face the fact I wasn’t happy with who I was and what I was living so I and only I could make that change but I couldn’t do it alone as much I always felt alone I was behind to realize I wasn’t alone I was never alone he’s always been there I just needed to look for him. I’ve faced 4 miscarriages in my life and I have 3 beautiful daughters. In February I found I was pregnant again and at the time I wasn’t with my kids father so I was facing being basically homeless, jobless, with 3 kids and another on the way with no help and no way to be able to move forward or get the help I needed. I had to get on my feet and do something, I needed to change my situation and I couldn’t I didn’t know where to turn. I prayed to god to help me out of the situation I was in, I left it in his hands for the last time but this time I really did I gave the problems I couldn’t handle and asked him to help me situate them. As the months went on I was able to come into an income and begin to feel like it was getting better. I got some money together got my kids their necessities and was still waiting for another baby to come along. I was all starting to feel like it was coming together. I started fixing things in my relationship and we were ready to get things together for our family.
I began seeing a doctor for my pregnancy everything was good, up until around 8 weeks I rushed into my doctors office with blood clots. They checked the baby everything was fine and sent me home told me to give a call if anymore bleeding. Everything was fine for a few weeks, and then again at 10 weeks was rushed into the doctors office with blood clots but this time they believed my water had broken too. I had ultrasounds ran so many test run everything came back fine but my I was leaking water and they told me their was a possibility that it was still holding enough fluid for the baby at the time so I was ent home and basically put on bed rest. Throughout the time I figured I’d take an at home gender test to see what we were having in hopes of maybe getting a boy this time around! Yea! Well , that didn’t happen! Surprise! Another Girl!! Either way we were happy and excited to be adding to the family. We were keeping everything a secret until we were able to find out for sure that it was in fact another girl and for a change we were enjoying our lives for ourselves. I was scheduled to go back to the doctors every 2 weeks so at 12 weeks I went back in still having occasional blood clots they gave me another ultrasound and the baby was loosing more fluid than what she should’ve been. They told me I had the choice to terminate the pregnancy or wait it out and see what happens but that the chances were the baby wouldn’t survive if I did make it to full term because her lungs wouldn’t be developed enough. But other than that she was still growing , still had a strong heartbeat and still breathing! I wasn’t going to give up on my baby I have faith in God that it would be his will and his doing. I went home and continued to pray for the health of my baby and prayed his will would have his way in my process. 14 weeks comes by and we’re still going strong and growing daily. I felt her little kicks and her movements and everything was going good, my belly was starting show, my clothes weren’t fitting anymore, my cravings were outrageous I ate everything I possibly could. Haha ok ok maybe everything wasn’t a craving but a girls gotta take advantage when she can! We started buying things to prepare for her ahead of time this time around. Then May 31,2020 my body wasn’t feeling just off most of the day and I figured it was just one of those days so I just took easy and tried to relax as much as possible I went to church as usual that morning, prayed to him and praised him and I started to feel a little better and was feeling a little better as the day went on I started to feel like I was going into labor, I started having contractions and I figured they were just those fake contractions everyone talks about, but they were only getting stronger as time went on and then it just got to a point I couldn’t deal with the uncomfortable feelings I was having and I was getting to a point I couldn’t stand it was uncomfortable to sit so I would try to walk a little and I couldn’t walk either so I decided to go into the emergency room.
By the time I got to the hospital I couldn’t get out of the car from the amount of pain I was in, my body was in labor and it was too late to try to stop anything there was nothing the doctors could do I ended up giving birth to my baby at 18 weeks. She was born breathing and kicking, but within a few hours she passed away because her little lungs were too under developed and there just aren’t machines small enough for babies her size. I sit here writing this and it’s hard to believe I went through this. Usually in situations and stories like this people expect a happy outcome in my case that’s not how it goes. You would think I started to question God and who he was but I didn’t because what I didn’t tell you is throughout my pregnancy I prayed to god so many times that he would protect my baby from whatever harm he knew she would face, whatever illness he knew she what have to live with if she did survive, I prayed he would bless her with what her she needed that I couldn’t give her and he would supply her the air that she wouldn’t have been able to breath. And that’s exactly what he did. He gave her to me for just the right amount of time I was able to hold my baby and watch her breath and see what he created I had to give her back to him because I knew as a mother there wasn’t anything in my life that I could’ve given to give her what he gives her. I told my story to someone once and she told me it reminded me of the Virgin Mary in the sense that I had to watch my child die, I would’ve never compared my story to that but in that moment it made so much sense, it may not make sense to you guys but that’s ok because that’s not for you guys to understand this is MY story! I didn’t think I’d make it through that I struggle daily with fact my daughter isn’t here I went through a traumatizing time and I’m still standing. It’s still a very fresh wound that’s in the process of healing but God has not left my side. He’s giving me the peace and the healing I need in this time of my life. This time last year was the beginning of the end of a chapter of my life that I didn’t want to live. This year has been my revival and my restoration. I never thought that even through the toughest times of my life I would still be able to walk with my head high and a smile on my face. I have my days where I am “weak” but he is always my strength. I’ve learned to have faith and Trust in God. He will never fail you!